We all do it. We question ourselves. We think we’re overreacting. Overprotective. Crazy, even. But we’re not.
Should I let him ride his skateboard down that hill? Well, he has a helmet on. He’s got his pads on. He will probably fall. Maybe he can do it. I should let him do it and see what happens.
There is a twitch in our gut that tells us something isn’t quite right. Maybe it’s a simple thing like skateboarding down a hill. Maybe it’s something more daunting, like walking home from summer camp alone. We question that feeling – it’s so fleeting – and yet, so powerful. Am I right? Am I going overboard? Am I paranoid? I’m paranoid, right?
It’s easy to squelch that feeling, especially when we’re busy, or caught up in our own thoughts. Sometimes I’ve said yes to something my kids have asked for and then two seconds later I snap out of my revery and realize, no I don’t want them to watch Ben 10, again. The answer becomes no.
This week, Leiby Kletzy, a nine year-old boy, was kidnapped and murdered by a monster a man named Levi Aron. Leiby was walking home alone from summer camp through his tight-knit Orthodox Jewish neighborhood in Brooklyn. This was the first time Leiby had walked alone in the city by himself. This is where the gut instinct comes in.
Leiby’s parents walked the route from summer camp with him. He had a specific meeting point where he was to join his mom. It was a short walk through a safe neighborhood. The Kletzy parents did everything right. Leiby did everything as instructed. But he got lost. Or confused. And this is where the best laid plans went wrong. He met a real-life monster, Levi Aron, who took advantage of the situation.
I can’t stop thinking about the horror and fear that this boy must have felt in his last hours. And, his parents. How they must hurt.
I pray for Leiby. I pray for his parents. I will remember this lesson. I hope you will too:
Never second guess your gut instinct. If you need to rehearse a walk home from camp, it’s probably not the right thing to do. You can make a perfect plan in a safe neighborhood, and there are still monsters along the way.
It’s our job to remember that there are real-life monsters – pedophiles, murderers. There are no borders that keep these evil and sick people away from our children. We are the border.
go
Thanks for the share!
Nancy.R
My heart and prayer goes to this poor child and his family. As a mother, I am looking forward that this kind of abuse should not happen again for the other young children. I believed this incident will be prevented if they have the safety solutions just like what I am using for the safety of my daughter. It’s a mobile personal safety solution that she could access her family, friends, and the police through a one-click emergency alert if a dangerous situation occurs. Check out this blog I just read concerning her child’s safety. Here’s the link http://tidbitsfromamom.blogspot.com/2011/08/safekidzone-review-protecting-your.html
Debbie, I could not agree with you more. While my heart broke for Leiby’s family, I could not help but think : “If only they had not allowed him to walk alone.” While his murderer is ultimately to blame, we have a responsibility to our children to do our best to protect them. I have a son who is 9, just like Leiby and a daughter who is 7. My son knows no fear, he does not understand why I get so upset when he wanders away from me in a store. He thinks he is big enough that he could just “karate chop” them.
I once felt the panic of a missing child with my daughter when she was 5. My Brother and sister in law live beside us and my parents live next to them. My children can walk to their houses without getting on the road, and really the only thing we fear is snakes. One day I could not find my daughter. I looked everywhere! My panic really started when I called my Dad and he said she was not there. I tried my sister in law and she did not answer either, I saw her vehicle was gone. I was beside myself, screaming and crying “I can’t find my baby! She is gone” I was about to call 911 when my Dad called me and said my sister in law had her. Normally my children always ask me before going to their house or their grandparents. She did not, that day. My sister in law, thought I knew. She actually had Kaylin with her in the bathroom because her small daughter was taking a bath, and did not hear the phone ring. I was so relieved, I cried for 20 minutes. I believe it can happen to anyone. Sadly it appears that we cannot prevent all child murders, just look at the cases of Polly Klass and Jessica Lundsford. Both girls were in the safety of their own houses. However, I cringe when I hear that a child was murdered and that they had been walking home alone or going around their neighborhood or apartment complex alone. I feel that these are the children that did not have to die, they could have been saved. It is sad we live in the kind of world we do, but when it comes to our babies I do not think we can be too careful.
I once asked my kids what a bad person looked like and they said “Mean, hairy eyebrows, sharp teeth, dirty.” If only it were really that way! Trust no strangers when it comes to your kids!
Wow – this was the first time that I heard about this story and my heart goes out to the family. I can only imagine the numerous “what-if” scenarios that are playing through his parents head. I hope they are able to find support and peace to move on.
Great advice, to trust your gut in all scenarios. Life becomes a lot easier when you do.
Thanks, Jennifer!
Wow, I have so much to say to this and not sure where to even begin. I don’t watch the news because it’s too fatalistic, too depressing, and specifically attempts to instill worry (carmaggedon anyone?). But, I will also disagree that things were “better” when we were younger as I saw mentioned in the comments. They were probably as bad as they are now, just not reported to the same degree. A girl was kidnapped walking home from my elementary school and never found. My friend was murdered in junior high, on the block next to hers, after getting off the bus across the street from her home and her dad seeing her safely get off that bus and start walking up the hill before leaving the window to answer the phone. That same year, a girl at our high school was murdered on her way home from school. I don’t know the name of the first girl, but try to find news of Michelle Matteucci or Yvonne Fruit that extended beyond the SF peninsula area. In college, my friend received a call that her friend’s little sister went missing in their apartment complex courtyard while mom went to move the laundry from the washer to the dryer. They found her that night raped, strangled, and stuffed in a suitcase in the apartment of one of the other residents. Oh, did I mention that this all happened in “nice” areas?
There are monsters out there and my heart breaks for Leiby’s family and for him. I think it’s very tough to decide when to loosen the grip and when to hold on tight. It’s so easy to tell yourself you’re over-reacting or you’re paranoid. My friend’s dad watched her walk up the hill every day. This was the first time he walked away. What was his gut telling him on those other days? I don’t know. Did he dismiss the feeling as silly? Did he even have a bad feeling? I don’t know. I do know that it will be a constant struggle as my daughter gets older to decide when to give her extra freedom and when not to. I can only trust that my mama-instincts will kick in when I really need them to. That said, I questioned a man at the park one day and thought he looked like a “Megan’s Law” profile I’d seen for our neighborhood, but told myself I was being silly.
Brenda – Wow! Where did you live? Crazy.. I had a had a run-in with a guy when I was a kid who pulled the “my dog is lost and I need you to help me find him.” My friend and I ran as fast as we could.
Debbie
Brenda, did you attend El Camino High School in San Mateo County, California in May of 1987 when Yvonne Marie Fruit was murdered? I was a freshman there just like her and had P.E. with her. Very sweet girl. I check in with the Police Department once a year to find out if they can possibly solve her murder, but it’s been over 20 years. I still cry for her.
Samantha — I w.as still at Alta Loma, which is how I knew Michelle. I started EC in 89. I thought I’d heard that Yvonne’s murder was somehow drug related through a friend or boyfriend, but that was way back then. I do find it interesting that they *stressed* that Michelle was found “full-clothed” and now if you read the recent cold-case info, she was partially clothed and they suspect a sexual intent in her killing.
Brenda Jones recently posted..Spontaneous Mom: The No-Schedule Schedule — Part 2
This addresses one of my biggest fears as a parent, especially as the parent of an only child who is a girl. When she was little she was rarely out of my sight, even when we were among family, I always made sure I knew where she was and who she was with. I don’t think I was paranoid, but my husband sometimes referred to me as being a little overprotective. And in some people’s minds, maybe I was. But I still believe it is important to do what you are able to do to keep your children safe — and even then, there is no guarantee. My heart breaks for any parent who loses their child, especially under such horrific circumstances as you talk about in your post. It turns me cold all over to even think about it, but we do need to be aware that these things can happen and we just have to do what we can to make sure it doesn’t happen to our children. Even now, as my daughter is grown and living on her own, I keep her in prayer every day that God will continue to keep her safe and in His protection…that is all I can do at this point, but I also believe it is the most powerful thing I can do for her , too. She knows the dangers out there and does what she can to keep herself safe, which is encouraging. But trusting in God’s care is the only thing that gives me peace and removes my worries when they start to plague me!
Hi Donna – Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting.
If your daughter ever needs anything here in LA, don’t hesitate to ask me for help!
Debbie
You know how I feel about this one…I am a proud helicopter parent…and I don’t care! It may be that those who feel we are way off base don’t have young kids in the age range of being abducted and murdered…or didn’t live through times with kids when these things were on tv every month (which is enough for me!)….or they just don’t parent as we do…and that is ok. I am fine with knowing if something happens to my child it is not for my lack of trying to keep them safe…I will always be safe than sorry…and will go the extra mile…that may mean dropping my kids off a block away from school, letting them walk (freedom), but still being able to see them (for their sakes & my sanity)….I agree as another commenter said making the adjustments, safety in numbers etc…goes a long way. My heart goes out to his parents…they did everything right in their minds and were comfortable with letting him walk home, something they will second guess and beat themselves up for the rest of their lives….they certainly don’t need my input on it! This is a horrible story….and confirms for me that I need to keep doing what I do, teach my kids how to make good choices…and pray to god to help me with the rest!
Hi Rita – Thank you, girlfriend, for backing me up. I’m getting a bad rep here!
In no way do I want my kids to be crippled by an overprotective lunatic momma. I don’t believe that’s what I’m presenting here. I am just asking people to question that gut instinct a little more…
XO
Debbie
Debbie — I will be helicoptering right next to you. My sis was molested by a relative. She hitchhiked with friends a LONG time ago and ended up in Ted Bundy’s car. Luckily she got that little gut feeling and got them all out safely. Better safe than sorry.
What??? You must write about the Ted Bundy story. That’s crazy, Brenda! Thanks for commenting. Debbie
I too believe that our intuition must be our guide, helping set boundaries that vary, depending of the age of the child, the maturity of the child and the situation at hand. There are common sense boundaries, but there are no hard and fast rules–which is why our gut has to be the final say. Even then, however, it is easy to mistake fear for intuition. To learn to tell the difference between the two is not an easy assignment, but an important one. We need to protect our children, yes, but we need to protect their freedom too. Learning to come from trust in ourselves and our children is the best we can do. It won’t be one hundred per cent accurate, but it can increase the odds of balancing protection and freedom.
Hi Maridel – Thank you for taking the time to comment. I agree that fear could be confused with your intuition, or your gut instinct. I also agree that children need the freedom to learn and grow, scrape their knees and make mistakes. I do know though that it’s best to err on the side of caution, especially when children are involved.
Debbie
I do agree that we should trust our gut instinct. It’s what I call intuition and it has served me well all my life. I can’t help but think that these parents did trust their gut instinct. They did what they felt was right for their child. I don’t know that you meant it this way, but somehow in reading your post, it felt to me like there was some blame being laid on the parents for allowing their son to walk home alone from summer camp. The entire blame lies with the murdered. I think there are many other children who walk home from summer camp and arrive safely every day. And this is a tragic story.
I remember many years ago when a friend of mine was senselessly murdered asking myself how God could allow such a thing to happen and realizing that it just happened and I would never understand it. There are bad people in the world. They do bad things. We have to protect our children and we also have to let them grow up. It’s a tough call.
Susan Berland
A Picture’s Worth
http://www.susan-berland.com
Hi Susan – Thank you for taking the time to comment and visit my blog!
I don’t believe the parents are to blame for this sad and sick tragedy. Like I said in the blog, the best laid plans came to an end when that monster stepped in and took the child.
I think that when children are involved, you must err on the side of caution.
Debbie
As parents we already live in constant fear and paranoia about our kids. Your blog increased that for me, and I feel bad for his parents reading this thinking that they might have done something wrong. Instinct or not, parents will always do what you said, but if we constantly second guess ourselves we go crazy.
Hi Earl – Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my blog.
I think the parents did their best. They obviously were concerned about his safety and made smart plans for the boy to get home, until that monster took the child. They are not to blame. I just urge that people pay more attention to their intuition when parenting.
Debbie
Wow, that’s such a heart breaking story. I’m not often rendered speechless, but this blog really says it all. I love what you say about “we are the border!” Powerful stuff! I hope everyone with kids shares this with others.
Sharon Hiebing
Relocate Without Rose-Colored Glasses
Hi Sharon – Thank you for your kind and supportive response.
Debbie
I followed this story and of course found it horribly sad. I don’t agree that the parents missed their intuition or somehow made a grievous error rehearsing the walk home. I agree with many of the people commenting that withdrawing into fear for children is not the answer to dangers in the world. Sometimes horrible things happen, and they receive an inordinate amount of attention. But that does not make them the rule or the typical.
I don’t know what the answer is. The parents thought that their little area was safe. People in the community thought anyone within the community was safe. They have all learned that is not necessarily so. But the same thing could happen to a 10 year old, a 12 year old. I admit this child was very young, so in hindsight, it would be easy for the parents to say, “We shouldn’t have let him walk home alone–he’s too young.” But their problem was not in a failure of intuition, it was in a view of their community as a world inviolate, their belief that anyone within their community was safe. A good deal of the shock in this story for the people around this child is that someone within their Orthodox community turned out to be harmful to a child. This requires a changed world view, not just a suppression of intuition.
All that being said, it was a horribly, horribly sad story. I can certainly understand why parents are feeling frightened and protective in response.
Judy Stone-Goldman
The Reflective Writer
http://www.thereflectivewriter.com/blog/
“Word maven loves–and learns from–ordinary life.”
Hi Judy – Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my blog.
I am not urging people to “withdraw into fear.” I agree that these dangers are out of the ordinary occurrences.
I can tell you though, that I don’t believe that a child is harmed by not allowing them to walk alone in a city when they are young. At what age is too young? I don’t know. I just know what’s right for my kids.
And I know that intuition plays a big part in my life as a mom.
Thank you!
Debbie
I worked for the Missing Children Organization some time ago so I am well aware of these and other horror stories. It was always a good day when we started out getting the news that an abducted child was safe back at home with the family, Unfortunately more often the news was not so good.
As a parent I have tried to teach my kids to trust their gut feelings as i have tried to trust mine but we really do have no control over circumstance. I feel for those parents and my heart aches, I could not even begin to imagine what they are going through. There are monsters in this world and i don’t know what to do about that. I am a little over protective but my philosophy is that if something did happen to my kids, it would not be because of something I did (or did not ) do, it would be because of circumstances that were beyond my control.
Julie Labes: The Fun-Loving, Feisty, Fearless, Frisky, Fierce Over 50 Traveler
Hi Julie – Thanks for your supportive comment.
I agree with you – if there is something within my control that I can do to protect my kids then I must take that step to keep them safe.
Debbie
We always need to realize that intuition is a gift. Always. It is there for a reason, usually a good one.
However, I do feel that parents are often listening to fear instead of intuition these days. There are monsters out there waiting to harm our children, but that fear is really quite irrational. Our children are in danger from hundreds of things a day, yet 99% of the time not one of these dangers harm our children.
Let’s give our children a healthy dose of parenting intuition and a lot less fear.
Hi Molly – Thank you for commenting.
I agree that this type of incident is rare. In fact, many more children are abducted by family members than by strangers. I get that. I just know that as a mom, it’s my job to evaluate every situation and make sure that I’ve done my best to keep my kids safe and sane and happy.
Debbie
Hi Debbie,
Thanks for your powerful story. I’ve raised no kids, so I lack the “parent’s” background you (and many others) bring to bear on this horrible incident. Sure, it’s awful, but I believe awful things have happened to sweet, innocent people forever. I think that today’s disease and warfare take a smaller toll on humanity than ever before, and we all hear about many more incidents than ever. By and large, we keep ourselves safer than ever before, and perhaps this is why each horrible incident parading through the world’s media feels especially ghastly.
How to protect ourselves and each other? I’m reluctant to pay much attention to idle superstitious hunches, but I have the greatest respect for informed intuition. So I favor our learning the facts around us, and cautiously letting our subconscious sort it out and advise us. What else can we do? Besides expanding the age-old advice for preventing snakebite: “Keep all parts of your body out of a snake’s mouth.”
Robbie
Hi Robbie – Thanks for your thoughtful and interesting response!
So what’s the difference between a superstitious hunch and informed intuition? About a few miles & a few IQ points I’m guessing. But I’d love to have you give me an example of a “superstitious hunch.”
Thanks, again.
Debbie
I read the article you refer to and my heart ached. But, I immediately thought it was the exception, not the rule. Sure, things happen that are horrific. Probably everyday in every city in this country. I feel pain and heartache for Leiby’s family and parents. But I truly hope they do not feel guilt. They rehearsed, prepared and I believe fate got in the way. It was out of their control and unpredictable. When I make decisions about what my kids can or cannot do, I do so based on safety, experience and their readiness to be independent. I cannot factor in the unexpected. No one can. I pray for Leiby’s soul and that the man who committed this heinous crime gets what he deserves. He took a life. I also pray that justice is served. I do not feel pity for him at all and I cannot find it in my heart to forgive. As a Jew, the Talmud preaches differently. This is one time I cannot agree with our ancestors.
Hi Laurie – I agree. This incident is a rare occurrence. I agree that fate got in the way. And in no way do I pity that monster.
So are you saying that you don’t use intuition at all as a mom?
Thanks for taking the time to comment, Laurie!
Debbie
I found this so tough to read as I try not to read such stories any more. Yes, there are monsters and pedophiles but there always has been and they just get more press these days. In reality our children are in more danger from the number of cars on the road and the like. However, as a mum of two girls, I know it’s so hard to let go. My girls say we are over protective yet I know other parents who are way more protective and way less. I just try to do my best to teach them the right lessons and let them grow their independence and don’t watch the news any more as I believe in the law of attraction and don’t want any of that crap in my life.
Louise Edington
Fabulous and Fearless
http://louiseedington.com
Hi Louise – Thanks for taking the time to comment and respond. I agree that watching the news can be upsetting and distasteful. So how do you keep up on what’s going on the world? Newspapers? Internet?
Debbie
I am with you on this one. truest your gut instinct. You have to.
Things are not the same as they were when I was growing up, sure there was crazy people out there, but nothing like the crazies that are out there now.
You can teach kids all the right things to do, you can control them, but you have no control over the actions others.
Hi Jen – Exactly! Thanks for commenting my dog loving new friend!
Debbie
Debbie, this is such a distrubing post in context. As parents, it’s our job to make sure our babies (babies at any age) are safe and protected. It’s also our job to allow them their own voice, their own growth, their own wings. You write that the parents didn’t listen to their inner voice, their gut feelings, and allowed their child to walk home after camp for the first time. Could it be that their inner voice led them to the decision to the first walk? How can we really tell which is the voice to listen to?
I am sure that the parents of Lieby are overwhelmed with loss and self-blame. But if so, they have their fingers pointed the wrong way. They merely gave their child the chance to grow up and experience; the blame rests on only one man, ‘the monster’.
It is true that the parents of today need to have a tighter grip on their children, tighter than when I was a child…but we can’t thwart their growth. Taking smart steps, (having two or more walking home from camp together, giving a cell phone with preprogrammed emergency numbers, instructing the children not to talk to strangers but rather head into a public store and ask for help) arming our children today with tools and knowledge, would be beneficial.
Debbie – I am 100% in sync with you. Unfortunately, today not only are the dangers greater for our kids BUT I also feel in an effort to be less “helicopter-like,” parents are allowing too much freedom for their kids. My parents watched me and had lots of rules for me, and I probably have more for my boys.
Yes – if we have to think about something twice….it was a wrong decision. I pray and mourn for Leiby’s family. This certainly will be a pain that they will never recover from….and no matter what they odds are 1/1million or even more, I do not want this to happen to any family.
It is ok for our kids not to grow up too fast…we need to let them be young and protected. That is why with my boys at sleepover camp…people think I am crazy to not be jumping for joy…I know that it is a fabulous part of growing up (camp), but also write in every letter – “be safe, make good choices, be a good listener.”
Thanks – Debbie! You are so brave and RIGHT! Rachel
Well, I’m all for protecting kids but I’m also for giving them room to learn to be self-reliant. There has to be a way that they can be alert to what is out there and be taught defensive tactics to thwart things. The biggest problem I have is watching out for the worst and expecting it. That can draw that situation to you in my belief system. Haven’t you ever noticed that what you feared the most occurred? Yes, 7 is pretty young to be self-reliant but they are not too young to pick up on your fears and make them their own. That’s a fine line to walk. Maybe your own comfort can be helped with getting them into a martial arts program if either of them are interested. Kids take that at any age. Two of my grandkids (one boy & one girl) are doing martial arts. My granddaughter is now teaching it and they both started very young. I know they are to be reckoned with if anyone were to have tried anything with them, their friends or their family. Kids are pretty fantastic in many ways if we learn to also trust them!
Julieanne Case
Always from the heart!
Blog: http://www.julieannecasefromtheheart.com
Reconnecting you to your essence, joy, vitality, youth.| Healing you from the Inside Out |Reconnective Healing | AgeLoc Skin Care
http://www.thereconnectivehighway.com
I’m going to have to respectfully disagree.
This just doesn’t happen very often. Tell me when the last time it happened was? Years ago? In a city where?
The 24 hour news cycle has people erroneously believing that the world is a more dangerous place. In fact, the city is much safer than it’s ever been. Today someone’s child died, I’m sure of it. It didn’t hit your TV so you aren’t paranoid about whatever that fear was. Family members, priests, scout masters and boyfriends pose a significantly greater statistical risk to young men than strangers on the street. Angry frazzled mothers are a terrible danger to children, much moreso than the woman on the lifetime movie that snatches a baby.
I worry that not letting kids out of the house will cripple them and that they’ll have no opportunity to feel secure.
I have to be the voice of reason here. There is no boogeyman, a few billion children were just fine today.
Hi Jessica – A few weeks ago a six year old boy went to the bathroom at a park and was raped and molested. A 14 year old girl in Torrance has an adult male stalker who has approached her three times with the past few weeks as she walked to summer school.
I do wish for more freedom for my kids. It’s just not possible at this age for my kids where we live. We don’t live in a typical neighborhood here at the beach where there are tree lined streets and sidewalks. At some point I would like us to move a few blocks away into a more traditional family-friendly neighborhood where the kids will have a bit more freedom.
As for your comment about angry, frazzled mothers, you’re getting a little personal. I can assure you that while I’m occasionally frazzled, as I’m sure you are, I’m not an angry mom.
Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Debbie
Oh I didn’t mean you were angry and frazzled. I just mean that statistically mothers are more of a danger to their children than strangers.
I grew up in Manhattan Beach. I think it’s possible to raise kids with freedom there. too.
I’ve been reading a lot of mom blogs lately and found myself reading Free Range Kids. I’m sure you’re familiar with this blog. Less Helicopter Parenting means kids learning to be self-reliant. I really get where Eleanor Skenazy (FRK blogger) is coming from. We live in L.A. and I feel sad my kids can’t roll outside on their bikes the way I did at their age and come home for dinner by dark. So I’ve read FRKs and thought, maybe, maybe I’m being too protective. But it’s stories like Leiby’s that make me think – the chances of my kids being picked up by a monster ARE probably 1 in 10,000. But I just can’t take that chance. I too will pray for Leiby’s parents and hope they not just recover from the loss of their precious son, but that they will be able to one day forgive themselves.
Hi Shannon – When I was a kid, my mom would open the back door and we’d head outside and play. We’d wander through the neighborhood and check in at home when we were hungry. It’s just different today. I live in a city at the beach. It’s not a suburb filled with tree-lined streets and rolling side walks. At 7, I can’t imagine that my kids are self-reliant enough to walk alone in our neighborhood although it’s really safe here. Maybe I am over protective, but I just go back to it’s better to be safe than sorry.
And, congratulations on your BlogHer award. Will you be there?
Debbie